I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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