Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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