He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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