lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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