So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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