My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize