I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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