I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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