a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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