The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
