If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
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Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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