what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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