the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize