I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
