just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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