you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
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He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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