i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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