the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
