On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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