she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This is the high leading the old right now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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