you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
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Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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