Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
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You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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