he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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