there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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