Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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