So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
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the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
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While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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