some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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