i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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