Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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