he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
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Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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