You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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