It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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