Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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