4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
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The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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