and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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