loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
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Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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