I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
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I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
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I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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