paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize