Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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