I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
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I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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