I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
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I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
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