If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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