The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
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yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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