she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
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There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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