Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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