I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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