I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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