I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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