I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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