I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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